Episode 3

Dads Suffer Too. I Had PTSD after my daughter's Traumatic Birth: ELLIOTT RAE

Published on: 3rd January, 2022

With 1 in 10 dads suffering after the birth of their baby, Elliott Rae of 'Music, Football, Fatherhood' talks about his PTSD, following the traumatic birth of his daughter. Elliott went on to found MFF (the "Dad's version of Mumsnet") to change the narrative on what it means to be a father. He has gone on to become one of the UK’s most prominent speakers on fatherhood, masculinity and mental health. Despite the serious subject matter, it was an incredibly inspiring, joyful and profound conversation. By chance, this episode was recorded on World Suicide Prevention Day, 2021.

*TRIGGER WARNING: BIRTH TRAUMA, SUICIDE RATES*


IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:

[00:40] Introduction to Elliott Rae

[02:11] The stigma of postnatal illness in fathers

[03:08] Elliott before fatherhood - from playing bass in a band to youth and D&I work

[05:55] The pregnancy and discovering his wife had Group B Strep

[09:00] The birth - from calm beginnings to concerns for their daughter

[11:50] Shock - like an outer body experience

[12:23] Elliott's dilemma - should he follow his daughter to intensive care or stay with his wife?

[12:51] Snapping out of his daze - "Fatherhood started there and then"

[13:39] Feelings of helplessness and not feeling prepared

[17:52] Further complications - the need for an emergency MRI scan

[21:03] Coming home from the hospital

[21:49] Elliott's wife diagnosed with Postnatal Anxiety

[24:22] Realising he needed help too

[25:01] Reliving events - how their daughter's severe wheat allergy triggered PTSD

[26:56] Not functioning at work - "I couldn't even say hello"

[28:20] Societal pressure - 'Boys don't cry'

[32:01] Writing about his experiences and getting diagnosed with PTSD

[34:13] 'Dad' the book

[37:29] Rethinking the role of fatherhood

[42:40] How to connect with Elliott and access support via MFF


KEY TAKEAWAYS:

  1. New dads can suffer from postnatal depression too - the number of men who become depressed in the first year after becoming a dad is double that of the general population.  First time dads are particularly vulnerable. 1 in 10 dads-to-be will also become depressed during their partner’s pregnancy. (NCT)
  2. Around 25% of women carry Group B Strep (GBS) bacteria during pregnancy, yet it is not routinely tested in the UK. You can find out more information here: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/group-b-strep/
  3. It's helpful to prepare for the fact that your birth might not go according to plan.
  4. Very sadly 3 out of 4 suicides are carried out by men - it is the leading cause of death of men under 50, so there is a clearly an urgent need for greater support for fathers.
  5. http://musicfootballfatherhood.com/ is there to open up the conversation around fatherhood in a safe space.
  6. You can keep up with Elliott and buy copies of MFF's book 'Dad' here: https://linktr.ee/musicfootballfatherhood
  7. https://www.markwilliamsfmh.co.uk/ is a pioneer on paternal mental health and PND.


 If you enjoyed this episode, please share, rate and subscribe. It really does make the difference in helping others find it – which means helping more parents in need.


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Email: bluemumdays@gmail.com

 

NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE:

In Episode 4 I’ll be talking to maternal mental health specialist Naomi Buffery, on her own experience of PND and how she's on a mission to empower other mums to beat anxiety and depression.


SUPPORT:

If you are struggling right now, please know that it’s okay to talk and reach out for help. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY FOR EVER. 

We hope these support services are helpful (please note we do not check or monitor them individually).

 

Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP)

Moderated Forum, click here to find out more.

Email: app@app-network.org

Tel: 020 3322 9900

 

Andy's Man Club

A non-judgemental talking group for men

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/club-information/clubs/

Email: info@andysmanclub.co.uk

Association of Postnatal Illness

Helpline: 10am – 2pm – 0207 386 0868

Email: info@apni.org

Live chat online facility

 

Best Beginnings

Free NHS-accredited Baby Buddy app offering

evidence-based information and self-care tools to help parents during pregnancy

and early stages of parenting.

App users also have access to a confidential, text-based Crisis Messenger which provides

24/7 support for new and expectant parents who are feeling extremely anxious or overwhelmed.


Birth Trauma Association

Email: support@birthtraumaassociation.org.uk


CALM

Contact CALM

on their national helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight)

 

Cedar House Support Group

Email: lwise@talktalk.net (Liz Wise)

Mobile: 07773 283556

 

DadsNet 

Offers support and knowledge through a community of dads on practical parenting and fatherhood.


Fathers Reaching Out

https://www.reachingoutpmh.co.uk/

Run by Mark Williams, campaigner, speaker and writer, offering support to dads.


Make Birth Better (Birth Trauma Support)

Email: hello@makebirthbetter.org



Maternal OCD

Peer support available, email info@maternalocd.org to

arrange

 

Muslim Women’s Network

Helpine: 0800 999 5786, open Mon-Fri 10am –

4pm with support offered in English, Urdu, Punjabi, Mirpuri, Putwari, Hindko,

and Bengali.

Email: info@mwnhelpline.co.uk

Online chat: www.mwnhelpline.co.uk

Text: 07415 206 936

 

Netmums

Netmums offer peer support via their Maternal Mental Health Drop-In

Clinic.

 

NHS

Contact your local GP surgery.

Call the NHS on 111

or contact a local NHS urgent mental health helpline

If you are in crisis, visit Accident & Emergency at your nearest hospital.

 

PANDAS

Helpline open from 9am-8pm every day – 0843 2898 401

Email support available – info@pandasfoundation.org.uk


Petals

Petals offers free-of-charge specialist counselling to anyone who has experienced pregnancy

or baby loss.

Web: petalscharity.org/counsellingcontact/

Email: counselling@petalscharity.org

Tel: 0300 688 0068


Samaritans

Tel: 116 123

(this is a free telephone number and will not appear on the phone bill)

Web: www.samaritans.org

Email: jo@samaritans.org

 

Shout

Text SHOUT to 85258 to start a confidential conversation with a trained Shout volunteer.

 

Twins Trust

Twinline is Twins Trust’s listening service for parents of twins, triplets and more. All

the calls are answered by volunteers who have multiples themselves.

Twinline is open Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm. 0800 138 0509,

alternatively email asktwinline@twinstrust.org.

Web: twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/twinline.html

 

Tommy’s

Tommy’s has a team of in-house midwives who offer free support and information for women and their families at any stage of pregnancy and after the birth.

Web: www.tommys.org

Helpline: Tommy’s

helpline has been closed temporarily but their midwives are answering questions

via email, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Email: midwife@tommys.org

 

MUSIC by Joseph McDade

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About the Podcast

BLUE MUMDAYS
The Parental Mental Health Podcast
Blue MumDays is a podcast about perinatal illness, parenting and being kind to yourself. Up to 1 in 5 mums and 1 in 10 dads will suffer with their mental health after the birth of their baby. Having once interviewed the likes of Sir David Attenborough and Hans Zimmer during my BBC career, I’m now speaking to mums, dads and mental health experts each week, in an effort to understand my own experience of postnatal depression. Dispelling myths, smashing stigma & bringing hope to parents having a hard time.

About your host

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Vikki Stephenson

Vikki Stephenson is a Senior Creative, Consultant and Speaker with 20 years’ experience making award-winning campaigns for the BBC’s highest profile brands: Planet Earth II, Panorama, CBeebies, EastEnders, Dracula. Her work has been recognised internationally, winning 35+ industry awards - most since becoming a mum and working part-time.

In 2012 Vikki gave birth to her much-wanted son Stanley. Whilst she loved him dearly, she suffered a traumatic birth and felt overwhelmed and ill-equipped with the responsibility of bringing a human being into the world. She very quickly developed PND and anxiety, which left her with feelings of total failure. She worried that she didn't have the right answers, instincts or knowledge to be 'good enough' as Stanley's mum. The first year of Stan's life was sadly the hardest of Vikki's and she endlessly compared herself to others who seemed to find motherhood easy. However, through the support of the Cedar House Charity and long-term anti-depressants, Vikki slowly recovered.

11 years on, she is now a passionate advocate of perinatal mental health and is on a mission to help parents feel less alone, through her podcast series ‘Blue MumDays’. Its purpose is to help other mums and dads better understand their illness and give them the hope that they will make a full recovery. It gives a voice to the lived experience of real sufferers who have reached the other side, and - through interviews with experts – will signpost mums, dads, their partners and friends to help and support that may be hard to find.