Episode 4
I had to be the best, or else I was a failure: NAOMI BUFFERY (Part 1)
I talk to inspiring maternal mental health specialist Naomi Buffery, on her own experience of PND. In Part 2 we'll discuss how she's on a mission to empower other mums to beat anxiety and depression. But in this episode we learn how hard it was for Naomi navigating early motherhood, following a traumatic birth.
*TRIGGER WARNING: BIRTH TRAUMA*
IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:
[00:17] Introduction to Naomi Buffery.
[00:48] Naomi before pregnancy - generalised anxiety.
[03:56] Finding out she was pregnant - "I'm going to fix myself with him".
[05:14] The 'perfect' mum - putting pressure on ourselves.
[07:25] When expectations don't match reality - comparing ourselves to unrealistic ideals.
[09:22] Today's mums - lack of family support/societal pressure/the danger of Google.
[12:52] Concerns about developing PND - Naomi's previous breakdown, losing her mum early.
[15:46] The birth - being induced. Feelings of trauma. Knocked out on drugs.
[18:56] Not being listened to during the birth.
[20:40] Grieving for the birth you never had. Feeling numb.
[22:15] How this impacted on her decision not to have another child.
[26:45] The need for mums to put themselves first.
[27:21] After the birth - mood swings. Feeling alone.
[30:18] Coming home - overwhelm. Breastfeeding difficulties.
[36:50] Feeling like a failure for giving up breastfeeding.
[37:51] Going to baby groups when you don't want to leave the house.
[40:51] Feelings of being judged.
[42:54] Bonding issues - how Naomi worked hard to build that bond, without the 'rush of love'.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- We mums put ourselves under tremendous pressure to be perfect, yet parenting is chaotic - besides, you can't be perfect at something you've never done before!
- Trust your own instincts - avoid obsessive Google-ing (it can make you feel anxious) and believe in your own decisions. You will get to know your baby better than anyone.
- Anxiety releases adrenalin which can inhibit oxytocin, which can in turn affect your milk supply - so if you've had a traumatic or stressful birth, don't beat yourself up if you struggle with breastfeeding. If you are finding it hard, please don't be afraid to ask for help.
- If you want or need to stop breastfeeding, do not feel guilty. Do what's right for you.
- If you didn't bond with your baby in the beginning, it doesn't mean it will adversely affect your relationship going forward. Society tells us to expect a rush of love, but for many parents, it's a gradual build up.
- Pram Chorus - friendly daytime choir for parents/carers with young children.
- Naomi's TED talk - on the need for women to be empowered during childbirth.
- https://naomibuffery.com/ - where you can get in touch with Naomi.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share, rate and subscribe. It really does make the difference in helping others find it – which means helping more parents in need.
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Email: bluemumdays@gmail.com
NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE:
In Episode 5 we continue our chat with Naomi, who has used her experience to empower, mentor and emotionally prepare mums for motherhood through her work as a maternal mental health coach.
SUPPORT:
If you are struggling right now, please know that it’s okay to talk and reach out for help.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY FOR EVER.
We hope these support services are helpful (please note we do not check or monitor them individually).
Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP)
Moderated Forum, click here to find out more.
Email: app@app-network.org
Tel: 020 3322 9900
Andy's Man Club
A non-judgemental talking group for men
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/club-information/clubs/
Email: info@andysmanclub.co.uk
Association of Postnatal Illness
Helpline: 10am – 2pm – 0207 386 0868
Email: info@apni.org
Live chat online facility
Free NHS-accredited Baby Buddy app offering
evidence-based information and self-care tools to help parents during pregnancy
and early stages of parenting.
App users also have access to a confidential, text-based Crisis Messenger which provides
24/7 support for new and expectant parents who are feeling extremely anxious or overwhelmed.
Email: support@birthtraumaassociation.org.uk
Contact CALM
on their national helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight)
Email: lwise@talktalk.net (Liz Wise)
Mobile: 07773 283556
Offers support and knowledge through a community of dads on practical parenting and fatherhood.
Fathers Reaching Out
https://www.reachingoutpmh.co.uk/
Run by Mark Williams, campaigner, speaker and writer, offering support to dads.
Make Birth Better (Birth Trauma Support)
Email: hello@makebirthbetter.org
Peer support available, email info@maternalocd.org to
arrange
Helpine: 0800 999 5786, open Mon-Fri 10am –
4pm with support offered in English, Urdu, Punjabi, Mirpuri, Putwari, Hindko,
and Bengali.
Email: info@mwnhelpline.co.uk
Online chat: www.mwnhelpline.co.uk
Text: 07415 206 936
Netmums offer peer support via their Maternal Mental Health Drop-In
NHS
Contact your local GP surgery.
Call the NHS on 111
or contact a local NHS urgent mental health helpline
If you are in crisis, visit Accident & Emergency at your nearest hospital.
Helpline open from 9am-8pm every day – 0843 2898 401
Email support available – info@pandasfoundation.org.uk
Petals offers free-of-charge specialist counselling to anyone who has experienced pregnancy
or baby loss.
Web: petalscharity.org/counsellingcontact/
Email: counselling@petalscharity.org
Tel: 0300 688 0068
Tel: 116 123
(this is a free telephone number and will not appear on the phone bill)
Web: www.samaritans.org
Email: jo@samaritans.org
Text SHOUT to 85258 to start a confidential conversation with a trained Shout volunteer.
Twinline is Twins Trust’s listening service for parents of twins, triplets and more. All
the calls are answered by volunteers who have multiples themselves.
Twinline is open Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm. 0800 138 0509,
alternatively email asktwinline@twinstrust.org.
Web: twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/twinline.html
Tommy’s has a team of in-house midwives who offer free support and information for women and their families at any stage of pregnancy and after the birth.
Web: www.tommys.org
Helpline: Tommy’s
helpline has been closed temporarily but their midwives are answering questions
via email, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Email: midwife@tommys.org
MUSIC by Joseph McDade
